My Immortal: A Parody
by Onshu
Summary: If you’ve read the story My Immortal by xxxbloodyrists666xxx, than you know how much of a disgrace it is to the fanfic world. Well, here’s a little something to help with the headache you might have gotten reading it.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the property of JK Rowling, except for the one I made up and the ones made up by xxxbloodyrists666xxx.**

**Summary: If you've read the story My Immortal by xxxbloodyrists666xxx, than you know how much of a disgrace it is to the fanfic world. Well, here's a little something to help with the headache you might have gotten reading it.**

**A/N: This is something I wrote when I was just bored out of my mind, so if the grammar's a little off, I must apologize.**

* * *

My name is Ebony Sue Dementia Raven Way, but everyone calls me Ebony Sue. I am sitting on a train that is taking my best friend, Raven Sue Dark 'ness Ebony Way, and myself to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You may be wondering about our names, so I may as well tell you the big secret: Raven Sue and I are twins and were separated at birth. We found each other here, and found out that both of our names were Mary Sue. So, we changed our names.

We sat on the train, conversing when all of the sudden, a girl walks into our cabin. We looked at her; she looked back. We three grasped. It was like looking into a preppy mirror. You see, Raven Sue and I were both dressed Goth chic with our corsets, black, shredded mini-skirts, and fishnets, but the prep was dressed in a Hollister top, Apple Bottom Jeans, and boots with the fir. What. A. Prep. Raven Sue and I stood up, growling and bearing our fangs, while the prep shrieked chattering down her fangs. We stopped with surprise and I directed raven Sue to Grab her before she escaped from the cabin. She was one of us.

* * *

I prodded the newcomer, "So, what's your story?"

She squirmed from my reach, "I don't know what you mean…"

Raven Sue blocked her from the other end, "Are you a Christian?" She said with a growl.

Preppy whimpered, and then yelled, "There is no God!!" She cried and jammed herself into the corner, "But I'm no Satanist, like YOU! Have you no mercy? No compassion?"

I pretended to think for a second, "No, not that I know of." I laughed, "What's your name, anyway?"

She squirmed, "Henna Sue Patience Way," then she spat at my feet, "If you must know, scum."

Raven Sue cackled, "You call us scum; you're going to have a lot of fun here!"

* * *

"Henna Sue, is it?" I nodded as professor McGonagall formerly introduced herself as she led me to the Great Hall. I was going to be a late addition to Gryffindor house. Her house.

She sighed with obvious frustration at my silence, "You're lucky, not many vampires have the privilege to learn sorcery. Immortality tends to be a suitable enough advantage." She laughed at her own joke as she walked me to Gryffindor table. Fortunately, I went unnoticed, as they were still sorting the first years. Unfortunately, the people at the table still decided to talk to me. A semi-attractive red head stuck his hand out from across the table. I took it reluctantly. He smiled and said, "Hello there, my name is Fred," then he pointed to and apparently identical twin, "and this is George."

George waved, "Who would you be?"

I felt my unrest melt away at their kindness, "Henna Sue…" I smiled slightly and looked down.

Fred and George exchanged humored glances. It seemed ages before Fred finally spoke, "What an odd name."

George nodded in agreement, "Indeed," the words sounded strange in their thick Liverpool accents, "How'd you get here anyway?"

I was jolted by the question, "Um… I transferred here from Massachusetts…" I felt bad about not telling the whole truth, "I'm an exchange student…"

Fred and George nodded interestedly. It was George who finally spoke, "We don't get many exchange students around here, do we Fred?"

"No, we don't," Fred seemed suspicious, "How's Salem, anyway?"

I became immediately alarmed, "I'm sorry, who?"

Fred seemed satisfied, "What is it like going to the school in famous Salem, Massachusetts?"

I cursed myself silently, "Oh! It's alright…" He nodded skeptically and turned to George, whispering.

* * *

I turned to George with doubtful thoughts about the newcomer, "I don't think she's being entirely honest with us, George," I whispered, "she's just another Sue and you know it."

George quickly glanced at her and then returned his attention to me, "Fred, that's ridiculous! I honestly think she's the one."

My thoughts returned to the problem at hand, the Goth! Rebel! Vampire! Sues who were destroying the cannons of all of the main characters and trying to cripple the plot in their Mary Sue hands. I shook my head, "No way she could be a sueslayer! It would be like she was killing her own kind!"

He nodded, "That's exactly why she's our girl," he laughed as if at some inside joke, "They'll never see it coming!"

I nodded at his brilliance, "Well, then we must act! Before the plot changes are irreversible

We together turned to the Sue and chimed in, "How would you like to be a part of something greater than yourself?"

Her look of shock and delight would have been the clincher if Hermione hadn't come by, flashing her stupid Prefect badge.

* * *

I coughed, shaking my head at Fred and George, exploiting the poor newcomer. I looked at the Sue with her light brown hair and line of freckles across her nose. She was the same as the other two, and yet as different as apples are from oranges.

I sighed, "Henna Sue, don't listen to them," I lowered my voice, "they're only after your money."

She sat dazed, obviously not knowing what to believe, "I-I" she started, swallowing, "I don't think so…" She then straightened, showing more confidence. She looked at me absolutely sure of herself, "I'm sorry, Hermione, is it?" The next thing she said was directed at Fred and George, "I know what I'm here for now… I'll be your slayer."

I couldn't take it. I had to leave. The incompetence of some people just dazzled me.

* * *

"What you're here for?" Fred and George exclaimed together.

I nodded, looking down, twiddling my thumbs in my lap, "I'm afraid I Haven't been entirely honest with you…"

I then heard a laughed, and as I was looking away, a soft mumbling of an "I told you so…"

I looked up and met their eyes, "I'm not an exchange student, but I am from Massachusetts. Boston, actually. I'm afraid Salem is a little unaccepting of the supernatural."

George looked at me, annoyed, "Why are you here, then? And why lie to us?"

I sighed, "Lying was necessary at the time. I wanted to be sure I could trust you before I would tell you the truth," I paused, for effect, "As to how I got here, well you see, I was just sitting in my parents apartment in Boston late at night. I must have nodded off, because the next thing I knew, I was on the train. Someone else. I'm not the same person I was…"

"And now you think you were brought here to slay the Sue?" Fred finished for me. I only nodded. He continued, "You realize you will have to be slain, as well?"

I jolted, straight backed and attentive. George looked at me, than implored on Fred, "What, Fred surely she can be spared?" Henna," He looked at me, "If I may call you just Henna," I nodded. He continued, "Henna has done nothing wrong, if anything, she's more an asset than a threat!"

Fred spoke, staring straight at me, "She is a Sue; she is just as capable of twisting the plot as the other two are, she must be killed!" He nodded to George, "Well we can take it up in the morning, because we've been dismissed, and I must retire." He got up and proceeded to the common room.

* * *

When we finally made it to the common room, it was nothing like anything I had seen before. It was warm, inviting, and comfortable. The only environment I knew was cold and dark. There was a blazing fire; people that remained sat chatting around it.

Fred went directly to the boys' rooms, but George stayed behind and "chatted" with me. He shook his head and sat on the other end of the couch that I was sitting on, "Henna, I'm sorry," he said, "Fred's never been this fierce before. The Sues must be getting to him, too."

I squirmed in my seat at the mention of Ebony and Raven. I looked George in the eyes, "George, those girls did something terrible to me," I stated simply, "They brought me here."

Surprisingly, George took some offense to my simple statement of fact, "It can't be that bad here…" He replied defensively. I had to look away. Even worse was that the last of the other students were filing off to bed.

I stared at George, dismayed, "Oh, no! That's not what I meant at all!" I exclaimed, turning red, "It's just that I want to get home, to my family, no matter what it takes! You understand, don't you?"

He nodded, somewhat pathetically, "Climb Ev'ry Mountain, right?" He laughed redirecting his gaze towards me, "But I hope you decide to stay…" He made a move to sit closer to me, but I stood up first.

"Be careful," I warned jokingly, "You don't want to end up like the rest of them, do you?" I winked, it was time to be extra nice. He could get me out of this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Once again, I do not own any part of the Harry Potter franchise, and neither does Tara, no matter how much she wishes she did. This story, technically, isn't mine and IS Tara's, except for Henna, she's purely mine.**

**A/N: Well, this took a while, but here we are, I hope you enjoy! Any comments or suggestions you have are greatly appreciated. **

* * *

"Ebony Sue!" Raven called from the girls' dormitory, "Why are you sleeping down there?"

I had been sleeping on the couch in the Slytherin common room, which was dark and dank, exactly how I liked it (though it was much too green). I sat up, my long black hair a shambles. I looked at my reflection in the glass of the table and said, "Oh my Satin! You can't even see my purple streaks!" I looked at Raven, "Raven Sue, what if my streaks aren't there at all?"

Raven just looked at me in that way she always did whenever I asked her a question, "Ebony Sue, even I think you're an idiot, doesn't that send you a message?"

I looked at her questioningly, fixing my hair. I rejoiced when I beheld my streaks, sitting in my perfect hair. I then answered Raven, "Well, you're just jealous!"

She stared at me as my love Draco walked in, "And you're in denial. God, could you be more of an idiot?" He said. Man, did I love him. He continued, "By the way: **STOP FOLLOWING ME!**"

* * *

I took Raven Sue in my arms as I walked down form the dormitory. The girls' dorm to be exact. I had spent the night before with Raven. **That** was probably the reason Ebony had slept in the common room the night before, whether she would admit it or not. I could see pure jealousy in Ebony's eyes as I planted a wet one on Raven's lips. You see; I had broken up with Ebony over a year ago, when I realized how uninteresting she really was. Not that I was much of a substance man, anyway… I just wanted someone to be with so my parents wouldn't be able to marry me off to my second cousin. Not yet, anyway, (we have to keep the magic in the family).

Raven and I strolled through the stone door without the slightest glance back at Ebony.

* * *

"You know how to kill a vampire, don't you?" Fred looked at me expectantly as all here of us sat in the common room before classes that morning.

I nodded, and finding the question quite ridiculous I replied, "Of course, it's a wooden stake through the heart and then they turn to dust."

He scoffed and turned to George as if to call me an idiot, "Jesus…" He mumbled, and then he spoke up saying to me, "No! It's a T-bone steak, shoved down the throat, and then they turn to beef! He said this as if it were obvious.

I looked at him questioningly, and I couldn't help but laugh as I asked, "What kind of beef?"

He **actually** replied (to my surprise), "Ground chuck – But that's not the point," Fred answered with a bit of annoyance, "The point is: we need to figure out how to get close enough to them to do it!"

George responded to this one, "There are a limited number of people that Raven and Ebony actually let get close to them. Draco is on of those people."

I stared at him, quite confused, "But isn't Draco with Raven?"

"Ah, yes, he is, but Ebony is obsessed with him and Draco despises her. If anyone can do it, it'd be him." He laughed as he continued, "And I hear he likes him some chuck!" This was responded to with laughter.

Fred was the first to sober, "There's only one problem: we'd never be able to get him to do it."

I nodded, "Yes, but under the right spell, you can get anyone to do anything you want them to."

"George, you cannot possibly mean to use the imperious curse?" Fred yelled, guessing that George and I had been discussing the plan before hand. We hadn't.

"No," George looked at me and smiled a "nice try" smile, "Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of a polyjuice potion."

"The polyjuice takes a month to brew," I pointed out, "Unless you have some stocked up, that doesn't leave us a lot of breathing room."

"Well then, we'll have to get started, wont we?"

"Where would we brew some thing like that for a month?"

* * *

"I can't believe I'm helping you," I said as I was leading Fred, George, and Henna to Myrtle's bathroom on the first floor, "We got in enough trouble the first time I brewed this stuff… Who's to say you wont get caught?"

"You did!" George said, (or Fred, I wasn't looking).

"It wasn't a guarantee! All I said was that it would be unlikely that anyone would come here!" I stopped short as we came to the first floor girls' lavoratory.

I looked at the three of them, "I will be regrettably brewing the potion here," I directed the next thing I said to Henna, "While you wait, it would be wise to do some reconnaissance. I can tell you where the common room is, but that is all."

Henna nodded, "Thank you, Hermione. That means I just need a password and a couple of hairs."

I shook my head, "Yes, but all three of you must keep on top of the password, it could change at any time during the month. Thirty days is a long time, I recommend waiting for the password, or tagging along with someone going in."

* * *

Long story short, we took her advice. We spent the month tactfully, with George assisting me to locate Ebony and Raven to get their hairs, and Fred helping me train to fight and kill them. George's help proved fruitful first: he managed to get Ebony and Raven to meet with me under the ruse of a business prospect, and now Fred's training would be put to the test.

"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in," Raven remarked as I entered their presence, "Aren't you one of us? What are you doing on their side?" She looked me over as if disgusted with what she saw. Unlike Ebony and Raven, who were sporting your typical "goffik" attire, I was proudly wearing my school uniform. It happened to downplay my dark, red hair, and made me look somewhat normal. The "goff" look would make me look like someone with too much money and time on their, 'cause mummy an daddy pay for everything while I don't go to school. (No offence to anyone who wears Hot Topic, but you got to have **some** money, that shit is **expensive**)

Anyway, I spat at their feet, "Ugh, I am dishonoured to be related to you, p'tahk!" (I'm sorry, Star Trek reference. If you can't tell or don't know already, it's an insult)

"What did you call us?" Ebony stood up suddenly, as if she knew what I was talking about.

I stared at Ebony, "Sit down, and shut up, Mary Sue!"

She became enflamed and walked up to me stopping inches before my nose. I could fell her icy breath on my face, numbing my nose almost immediately. She stared at me intently, "Mah nam is **ENOBY** nut Maru Su!"

I backed away, looking down and sighed, "I didn't expect a cohesive statement from you…" But what I did expect was the lock of hair I magicked off of both of them while they were paying attention to me and/or Ebony Sue's drama. I had my hand behind my back, with my back to the door, "Well, I guess I'll be leaving now…" But as I tried to open the door:

"Oh no you don't!" Ebony advanced on me once again, only to be stopped by the heel of my shoe making contact with my face.

"Oh my God," I yelled sarcastically, with my hands still behind my back, "How dare you hit my shoe with your face!"

Raven Sue advanced on me now. She bent down low, as if to head butt me, but I got lower still and spin-kicked her ass on the ground. I stood up quickly, forcing both locks of hair separately into my left hand as Raven got up, only two feet from me. When she tried to hit me, I used my right hand and clamped down hard, high on her shoulder, at the base of the neck. She went down in an instant.

I separated my fingers into a "V"-shape and whispered, "Live long and prosper, bitch!" I put the two locks of hair in their vials and walked away triumphantly, though the triumph wouldn't last: I may have won the battle, but I have not won the war.

You may wonder why I didn't take the opportunity to be rid of them right then and there. I couldn't, you see. It would be too easy. I wanted to mess with them a little. And besides, I don't carry beef with me.


End file.
